If this is love, I want it and I want everything - written 12/12/2023

 So yesterday I had a very steamy session with the Igwe. We literally booked a room and made love for 3 hours straight. My relationship with the Igwe is quite funny. He is literally the guy I was looking for. I am so much attracted to him and its not even funny anymore. How can I be so much in love with someone and his very scent brings me peace? Yesterday when we were busy doing the worship he was sweating ontop of me, and I just loved it. This man really is an product of my imagination. I always imagined being inlove with someone this hot, whom I can be peaceful having him in my life. 

This guy is my best friend, with him there are no secrets. We tell each other anything no matter how painful it is. Honesty is part of the code of conduct of our relationship. I actually asked him why did He made so many children while dating someone and He just told me that He doesn't love her that's why He made those kids so she could leave him alone and she is not leaving. Yoh, I feel disturbed. I don't know how I should feel about it. I don't want to tell a soul about it because somehow I feel disturbed by the fact that I am enabling him by being in love with him. A part of me feels excited that He is not inlove with her but I cant help but feel responsible for breaking up a relationship or let me say contribute to its demise. 

This guy played me, He knew that I wouldn't be with him and He made me pregnant so I stayed because He has such a messed up life. We all are messed up in a way. Too many baby Mama's and all. But life with this guy has been nothing but fun. It was difficult at first but paife aiye aa. We have normal couple fights but other than that, we are just loving on one another. Every time I think about leaving him and so pissed off and want to cut him off, my love for him grows deeper. That's why I am saying this is not normal.  

I have prayed though, I have asked God to remove him from my life but nothing. Nigga is still here.